Masking is a survival strategy. For many neurodivergent (ND) individuals—whether autistic, ADHD, AuDHD, or otherwise—masking is how they've learned to move through a world that doesn't always make room for their natural way of being. But while masking might protect them in social or professional environments, it often takes a significant toll at home.
“Masking protects you in public—but isolates you in private.”
In relationships, masking can silently chip away at authenticity, intimacy, and connection. It can leave the neurodivergent partner exhausted, resentful, and distant—and the neurotypical (NT) partner confused, hurt, and shut out.
What Is Masking?
Masking refers to the conscious or unconscious effort to hide or suppress one's neurodivergent traits to fit into neurotypical expectations. It might look like:
- Forcing eye contact
- Repressing stimming behaviors
- Mirroring tone or expressions
- Nodding along when lost in conversation
- Overcompensating to appear “normal”
For many ND people, masking starts in childhood and becomes second nature. But it’s not without cost.
“Masking isn’t lying. It’s surviving.”
How Masking Damages the Relationship
The ND partner often feels they must hide their true self to maintain harmony. But this performance is draining. Over time, it can lead to:
- Emotional fatigue and burnout
- Passive-aggressive behavior or shutdowns
- Hidden resentment toward the NT partner
- Lack of trust and vulnerability
Meanwhile, the NT partner may misinterpret masking as emotional distance or indifference.
So What Can You Do About It?
For the ND Partner:
- Notice when you're masking—what’s triggering it?
- Share your experience with your partner when you’re ready
- Practice gentle unmasking in safe moments
- Honor your need for recovery time
For the NT Partner:
- Validate your partner’s experience without pressure
- Redefine “normal” together
- Don’t push for emotional performance—create space instead
- Stay curious instead of critical
Why Working with a Neuro-Informed Therapist Helps
Masking is a trauma response. A neurodiverse couples therapist can help you:
- Recognize and name masking behaviors
- Develop new, authentic communication habits
- Build emotional safety and reduce shame
- Practice unmasking in small, manageable ways
If you're ready to build a relationship rooted in real connection—not performance—we’re here to help.
