In neurodiverse relationships—especially those between an autistic or AuDHD partner and an allistic partner—one of the most common breakdowns in communication happens around the question: What matters more—facts or feelings?
The Classic Conflict
One partner says:
“The facts clearly show I’m right! You’re completely overreacting.”
The other responds:
“But you’re missing how this makes me feel. That matters too!”
This is more than a disagreement. It’s the collision of two entirely different operating systems—one logical, one emotional—both trying to be understood.
“When facts clash with feelings, the goal isn’t to prove one right—it’s to make both feel understood.”
The Deep Roots of Emotion
Emotions are not random. They're often rooted in early experiences, especially in individuals who have experienced trauma or emotional invalidation. This helps us understand that emotional reactivity isn't irrational—it’s a pattern shaped by lived experience:
- For a partner with trauma: Small moments can feel like big betrayals.
- Present-day events: Can become triggers, activating old wounds.
- Emotional intensity: Often stems from how something feels—not necessarily what actually happened.
“Emotional reactivity isn’t irrational—it’s often the language of past wounds asking to be heard.”
The Autistic Mistake: Prioritizing Logic Over Emotion
Autistic partners often default to fact-based logic to solve problems. While this approach can be helpful in some areas of life, it often backfires in emotionally charged situations:
- Dismissing feelings as “overreactions”: Invalidates your partner’s emotional truth.
- Emotions can’t be solved: They must first be acknowledged.
By learning to pause, listen, and validate—even if the logic doesn’t add up—you help create a foundation of emotional safety.
The Allistic Mistake: Equating Feelings With Facts
On the flip side, allistic partners may treat emotions as undeniable truths. This can lead to misunderstandings and unnecessary conflict:
- Emotional reasoning: Assuming, “If I feel hurt, you must have wronged me.”
- Blurred lines: Between emotional needs and moral rightness.
Acknowledging that emotions are real—but not always objectively accurate—can create space for growth and reflection.
Learning to Pause: The Power of Space
When we’re triggered, our brain goes into survival mode. We lose access to nuance, empathy, and curiosity. That’s why one of the most important tools couples can learn is the pause:
- A pause settles the body: Calming the nervous system.
- Signals safety: Slows down reactivity between partners.
- Creates a bridge: From the amygdala to the prefrontal cortex—where insight, reasoning, & compassion live.
This shift from primal to reflective response can radically change relationship dynamics.
Feelings Are Real—but They Aren’t Facts
Emotions are messengers. They reveal pain, desire, fear, and hope. But they don’t always reflect current reality—especially when past trauma is involved. You can honor your emotions and question their story. That’s how we move from being driven by emotion to being guided by it.
Neurodiverse Couples Counseling Can Help
Navigating the tension between facts and feelings requires a shared language and a lot of compassion. At The AuDHD Couples Counseling Center, we help neurodiverse partners:
- Understand emotional reactivity: And how it relates to sensory overwhelm.
- Learn communication tools: That validate emotions and foster connection.
- Explore trauma-informed perspectives: On past and present dynamics.
- Build trust through co-regulation: And repair patterns that cause distance.
If you're stuck in cycles of miscommunication or exhausted by trying to “get it right,” therapy can provide a path forward.
Let’s stop the tug-of-war between who’s “right” and start building a relationship where both partners feel understood.
